Raising a Daughter: Mean Girls and Perfectionism
by Ann Douglas
My six-year-old daughter is being bullied by some other girls at recess. They will invite her to play with them, but when she goes to join them, they laugh and run away. I had no idea that this kind of "mean girl" behavior started at such an early age. What can I do to help?
Encourage your daughter to talk about the bullying. Help her to understand what bullying is all about (it's an attempt to exert power over another person) and why it's wrong (no one deserves to be treated that way).
Get in touch with your child's school to let the teacher know what's going on and to find out how the school handles these types of incidents and whether the school offers any anti-bullying programs. Researchers in the UK found that girls who have been bullied benefit from participating in school-based bullying intervention. They can help her to escape from the role of victim, both in her own eyes and in the eyes of her peers. The researchers – from Warwick University and the University of Hertfordshire -- found that girls who experienced bullying at the age of six were two-and-a-half more likely to still be being bullied at age eleven, as compared to their male counterparts.
Get in touch with your child's school to let the teacher know what's going on and to find out how the school handles these types of incidents and whether the school offers any anti-bullying programs. Researchers in the UK found that girls who have been bullied benefit from participating in school-based bullying intervention. They can help her to escape from the role of victim, both in her own eyes and in the eyes of her peers. The researchers – from Warwick University and the University of Hertfordshire -- found that girls who experienced bullying at the age of six were two-and-a-half more likely to still be being bullied at age eleven, as compared to their male counterparts.
And, just for the record, while girls may get tagged with the mean girl label, boys also engage in such “mean girl” tactics as gossip, spreading rumors, and intentionally excluding others. Researchers at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and the University of Kansas analyzed 148 separate studies on bullying involving 74,000 children and concluded that children of both sexes engage in relational aggression (although boys are more likely to prefer physical aggression).
My 12-year-old daughter puts an incredible amount of pressure on herself to get top results at school and to do well in sports and her other extra-curricular activities. I think it's great that she's so motivated, but sometimes I worry that she's missing out on the fun of being a kid. How can I encourage her to cut herself some slack?
For starters, consider what kind of role model you are on this front. Do you push yourself hard and find it difficult to forgive yourself when you stumble; or do you have a relatively easygoing approach to life? Our kids learn important lessons from us, after all, when it comes to setting goals and managing (or mismanaging) stress.
Emphasize your daughter's efforts rather than her achievements. You want her to know that she's as loved and valued when she brings home a fourth place ribbon from a sporting event or a C+ on a test as she is when she scores top honors.
Help your daughter to experience the joy in being spontaneous, in trying something new, in making up the rules as you go along, in having unscheduled time, in being thorough enough (as opposed to perfectly thorough), in savoring experiences as well as successes, and in working cooperatively rather than competitively with other people (something that will reap tremendous dividends on the relationship front throughout her entire life).