Sibling Squabbles

by Ann Douglas

I have two sons. One is four and the other is almost eight. I know squabbling between siblings is normal, but with the big age difference, when they fight, the four-year-old can and does get hurt. I don’t want to be an overbearing mom and I want them to sort out some of their problems on their own, but when one of them is getting hurt I’m not comfortable leaving them to sort things out on their own. What can I do to encourage them to get along so that they will learn to respect one another and grow up to enjoy a close relationship?

This is one of the most frustrating aspects of being the parent of more than one child—trying to balance their sometimes conflicting needs. And when there's a significant age gap and/or someone is getting hurt, you have to play a more active role in helping your kids sort out their differences than you might otherwise be inclined to do. Here are a few tips on teaching your kids the art of being and dealing with a sibling.

Encourage your older child to speak honestly (but not disrespectfully) about his frustrations with his younger brother. Then help him to come up with strategies for dealing with these frustrations: e.g., breathing deeply, counting to ten, removing himself from the situation, using words rather than hands when he wants to hit his brother, and so on.

Ensure your kids enjoy a healthy mix of time together and time apart as well as one-on-one time with each parent on a regular basis. Sibling conflicts tend to ramp up if there's round-the-clock togetherness and/or not enough time with one or both parents.

Rather than engaging in a lot of finger-pointing when conflicts between siblings erupt (as they inevitably will), focus on helping your kids to try to solve the problem. If the kids are having a bad day (one of those days when they can't even look at one another without starting to bicker), separate the kids so they can both have a chance to chill out.

One more thing: Try not to worry too much about the kind of sibling relationship your boys will have 20 or 30 years down the road. If you focus on creating a strong sense of family and teaching children the importance of treating others with love and respect, the sibling relationships will tend to take care of themselves.

This article originally appeared in What's Up Kids? Canada's Family Magazine.